Why The Anxious/Avoidant Dynamic Feel So Good…Then So Confusing

It starts off amazing. Sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns…until it’s not. One person starts to lean in, the other pulls back, and suddenly the entire connection feels like it’s crumbling before your eyes. In this episode, I break down the anxious–avoidant relationship dynamic in a simple, real-world way. Why it feels so strong, why it keeps repeating, and why it’s so hard (and confusing) to walk away from.

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Transcript

Speaker 0:03

Welcome back or welcome to the Securely You Podcast. My name is CT. I help you understand why you love the way you do. I've mentioned today's topic a bunch in different episodes. We're 20-30 episodes in . And I've never actually sat down and just talked about it straight on. That is the anxious avoidant dynamic. And honestly, it's probably one of the most common patterns that we can get stuck in. The goal here is not to make this super technical. Just we want to think about it as one person tends to lean in and the other person pulls back. So let's talk about the anxious and avoidant dynamic right here, right now. If you've ever been in something where it felt really strong, but also really confusing, here's what probably happened. In the early stage, there's really good chemistry, there's really good conversations. It feels like, hey, there's something here to explore. Even things that, and this is kind of all going on subconsciously, the things that an anxious person is desiring, such as reassurance, that avoidant may fulfill those. And so the anxious person is getting validation, kind of a I would say like a false validation, because they're just you're just in it and you're you're enjoying that connection, and you're like, oh my gosh, I've never had that or felt this. But then it shifts to that anxious person leaning in a little bit more, which then causes the avoidant to pull back, which causes the anxious to try to close that gap, which then makes the avoidant want to pull back that much more. And it's just a loop that keeps going. In my experience, when this happens, it's really a nervous system thing. Because initially it's all great, sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. And then once both people have their nervous systems get activated, where the anxious is going, hey, I need closeness to feel safe. And the avoidant is going, I need space to feel safe. It's very difficult, if not impossible, for both people to actually be able to meet each other where they need to be met. So then that loop just keeps going. And it's very hard to have an adult rational conversation. It can feel like one person is speaking Spanish and the other one's speaking German. From an emotional perspective, the avoidant can give the anxious person attention and connection, and you're always trying to get back to that feeling that you had in the beginning. The problem is that that's always going to dip. That's always the feeling is always going to go away, or you're never going to be able to actually reach that high that you initially felt. I think at times it can just feel intense in an exhilarating way. And so people are drawn to that. You're substantially drawn to the height of that feeling. And especially if you have been in this dynamic many times, then a connection that doesn't have this, these kind of highs may feel boring to you because you're just not used to a connection not feeling like this. It's sort of like the idea that we're subconsciously drawn to what's familiar to us. So if we've always dated in this kind of dynamic, then we're just searching for that familiarity, even though that's not safe or fulfilling to us. The anxious person is usually feeling like they they want clarity, they want consistency, they want to feel secure in what's going on. The avoidant is usually feeling like, ah, things are getting a little too real or a little too close, or I need space. And like I was saying, it's not that either person is wrong, it's just that we're pulling in opposite directions. And I'll be the first one to tell you this is not what anybody probably wants to hear, but this dynamic really can't sustainably build anything together. It just repeats. The cycle just repeats. You have a good moment, there's distance, followed by reconnection, and then followed by distance. But nothing actually moves forward. And I think it's this is really hard because it can feel like there's something there. You you can feel that connection or that potential, that desire, you can feel that, but then also even if you consciously know that it's not going to go anywhere, or that, hey, this is the fifth time that we've repeated this, like, you know, I'm done with it, it's still hard to kind of be able to let go because that connection, that bond can feel very strong. So if you've ever felt like you're trying to get back to how it was in the beginning, that's usually a sign of incompatibility, of trying to obtain something that really isn't feasible anymore, because that wasn't that itself wasn't sustainable, but also thinking about it as you're chasing the high of your connection and not the baseline of it. I don't want you to think that we're blaming either side. I just want you to be able to recognize the pattern while you're in it so that you can choose for yourself what is or isn't fulfilling and sustainable for you in the long run. Once you see it, it's really hard to convince yourself it's going to go somewhere. Whereas if you didn't have the clarity and the understanding around it, you could just keep repeating the same patterns, whether you're 20, 60, 162. I'll leave you with one last line. A lot of people don't miss the person, they miss the feeling of when it was good. Say it again. A lot of people don't miss the person, they miss the feeling of when it was good. That's all I got for you today. I hope you found that episode helpful, useful, insightful. If you don't mind, sharing it with a friend, maybe a stranger on the street. Also, leave a five star review wherever you get your podcast. Helps to expand the reach of this one. I appreciate you being here. Until next time, take care of