Are You Actually Choosing Them…or Just Used to Being With Them?

Some relationships don’t feel bad… but they don’t feel alive either. In this episode, we explore the difference between familiarity and real connection, and why it’s so easy to confuse the two. If you’ve ever found yourself in that “it’s good” or “it’s fine… I guess” territory, I share a simple question that brings instant clarity.

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Transcript

Speaker 0:04

Welcome back or welcome to with the Securely You podcast. My name is CT, and I'll help you understand why you love the way you do. Today's episode I've been thinking a lot about lately. I'm excited to share this with you because I don't think a lot of people actually know the difference between being into someone and just being used to them. Like at all. Because on the surface, those two things can look almost identical. You're talking, you're seeing each other, it's part of your routine. You do this, you go there, you do that. You've you've kind of created created those different rituals, those different experiences together. It kind of just like is what it is. Because when someone's consistently there, it's easy to just assume, yeah, like this is something, we're doing this together. But I want you to ask yourself, if you are talking to someone right now, if there is someone that's been in your life for a bit, just think about them for a second here. What's the first things that come to mind? Do you enjoy being with them, around them? When you're not with them, are you thinking about them? When you're hanging out, how does that feel? Is there excitement in the everyday, mundane tasks or things that you guys are doing? Or is it just sort of blah? The reason why I say that is I think when two people feel that aliveness with each other, they're creating that space where each person is excited and energized by the other. That's a very, very different dynamic and different feeling than coming home, turning on Netflix, or watching some paint try and doing it all over again the next day. It's sort of like it doesn't really matter what the thing is that you're doing, it's about who you are spending that time with, and whatever you're doing is an extension of that connection together. If you're not feeling that aliveness, that's not, I'm not saying that something is wrong with you or the connection or the relationship, or that there's any big red flag. You you may not even be able to remember like a direct moment of when it started to kind of lose that energy. But I would ask you to sit with that, just think about really the feel, the way that it feels to you. And just write down on a sheet of paper like the the the next five, ten things that come to you, just stream of consciousness to really to get it down on paper. Because basically, I think what happens is we start confusing familiarity with the connection, right? Because it's just safe, it's good, but are we like truly actively pursuing each other? I'm attracted to you, you're attracted to me, I'm excited to see you, I feel so good when I'm around you, you know, I want to make your day, all those kinds of things. And this all brings me to a bigger question, an idea here. I posed this to a friend about a decade ago, and we just recently were talking, and he was he was saying how that was was very profound for him, and he shared it with others, and it was cool to hear because I never I kind of said it to him. I I do remember when we talked about it, but it's kind of like you say it and you you forget about it, and so to know that that that helped him and and others as well was cool. Okay, so here it is. You had to choose at midnight tonight to marry that person, to spend the rest of your life with that person, or you never see him again. What would you pick? What would you decide? And yes, if you if you're single or you just start dating somebody, uh that might be harder to decipher. But keep this then in your back pocket for when the time is right to ask that question. In this case, I think they've been dating for a handful of months or years. I can't exactly remember. This question helps to get you out of that neutral headspace. Because to me, neutral means no. To me, neutral is five out of ten. I don't think anybody wants a five out of ten anything. Definitely not a marriage. Somebody that you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. You can't do the cop out of we're just gonna see it where it goes, well, it could change, or I see this potential. If you do feel that way, especially on the potential piece, give a certain amount of time. If there's something that you want to see change, you can't just indefinitely, or you can, but I wouldn't recommend it, to date someone on that potential and just like indefinitely be okay with that, because you're you're setting a bad precedence and just kind of allowing that to go on kind of in a vague way. So whatever the thing may be, give it a deadline of hey, it's it's a it's a month from now, it's two months from now, 45 days from now, whatever that number is, give them a reasonable amount of time to be able to change whatever it is that you feel is out of alignment with with that relationship. And if not, then you're gonna walk away. Like you need to be comfortable and confident in that, kind of laying that out. You don't necessarily need to explicitly say that, like, hey, I'm giving you 30 days. I don't mean it like that. But being able to hold yourself accountable, otherwise, what's going to happen is six weeks, six months, six years from now, you're gonna stay in that relationship. And it doesn't have to be a very negative thing, it could just be there's certain values that are important to you that this person or this connection is not fulfilling for you. They may be great on paper. Your family may love that person. There may be all these great things that you have in common or that are positives, but every human being deserves that connection and that relationship that is deeply fulfilling to them on all the levels that are important to them. And what you think is important, and what I think is important, and what Susie and Johnny Q down the road think is important, or your neighbor, or your friend, or social media. Uh, everybody's gonna be different in what they are looking for and what they what they need. And what I'm trying to say is don't sacrifice A, B, and C to not get D fulfilled, or E or F or whatever it might be. I'm not trying to make this feel heavy or that you need to make a decision right now or end something right now or force clarity. I'm just trying to bring out a different perspective and a deeper understanding of a connection that looks good on the surface, feels good on the surface, but maybe you're not actively choosing each other. You're just continuing to see each other. That's all I got for you today. I appreciate you being here. If you found this episode useful, helpful, insightful, I'd love if you could share it with a friend. Leave a five star review wherever you listen to your podcast, it helps to expand the reach of this one. Have a great rest of your day. Take care, and I'll talk to you next time.