Why Healthy Interest Feels Like Pressure to the Wrong Person

Ever feel like you’re dating in a grounded, intentional way, only to end up disappointed and confused? Today I'm playing a clip for you that I recently shared on social (give me a follow at @TheMindfulSPX) and reacting to it in real time, adding more context behind it.

It dives into a part of early dating that most people don’t talk about and why someone might not actually be able to receive what you’re giving them (even if it’s coming from a good place).

Check out our website: TheMindfulSPX.com

Connect on social: @TheMindfulSPX

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Hey, what's up? Welcome back or welcome to uh the Secure the You podcast. My name is CT. I hope you understand why you love the way you do. Today's episode, I am going to share with you in a clip that I put out on social. If you're not following on Instagram or TikTok, it's the Mindful SPX. The Mindful SPX. And it was a two, three-minute clip that I shared. It was about midnight on a Sunday night, about a month ago. Something that has felt like an aha moment at the time and has stuck with me ever since. So I wanted to do uh to actually dedicate an episode to it. I'm gonna play it for you here, and then I'll come back on the other side with some thoughts around it.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

Hey, what's up? It's CT. Doing a late night check-in. Might have to make this a uh regular thing, but for now it's a one-off. I just had a aha moment today. I was walking, and uh this came in pretty vividly, and I just wanted to share it because it's it's kind of been been with me ever since. So we all know that the anxious and avoidant dynamic, uh that's not like a fruitful, usually it's not a fruitful uh experience, and there's a lot of trials and tribulations, uh, I think it's it's right, that that one can go through in that dynamic. But uh something that has come to me has kind of come to light here, the aha moment was what I deeply desire from a not even like a relationship standpoint. This is like a getting to know you part of it. Like this is a early stage dating uh kind of aspect, is like the clarity, the forward movement, the expressed desire, momentum, um, you know, just like intentionality. Uh all those things, like those are important to me. That's not that's not love. That those aren't inherently, first of all, those aren't inherent inherently negative, and those aren't like love bombing, like we're going from zero to 150. It's like there's nothing wrong with desiring that. The problem comes in when there's some when you're talking to somebody that has avoidant wearing, then those same things that I just described, while those are positive, but like those are those are totally positive things. There's not like there's nothing wrong with that. It's not too much, it's not too anything. But somebody that has avoidant wearing is gonna see that as engulfment, as pressure, as expectations. And so they're never gonna be able to receive it from you the way that you desire it, in the way that you desired. It's like just in a very rudimentary way, it's like you're expressing things that like positively, and like they're like they can't receive it positively. Like you're expressing things positively, they're gonna see it negatively because of past wiring, past experiences, and you know, whatever happened um previously. So it's just um, I don't know, that's just like it's on my mind. And and again, uh it goes back to this is just a freaking nervous system game. This isn't even an attachment style thing. This is like this is a wiring, a conditioning, um, and the whole nervous system of like uh flight, freeze, fawn, all that stuff. Like uh it all kind of goes back to that. And so I guess what I'm trying to express is that the way that one expresses interest can be seen as a negative to somebody that has a nervous system not built uh like their own.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

Firstly, it is so apparent to me, it is so simple to me when I reflect back on so many situations that I've been in similar to what I described, where we may be two good people, we may be a match on paper or have these different checklists that are compatible, but at the end of the day, it means absolutely nothing if your nervous system says A and my nervous system says B, and that doesn't even it's not about anxious and avoidant. Yes, it's a common pitfall, yes, those two styles are subconsciously attracted to each other and a common dynamic that you or others in this world may find yourself, themselves in as you go through dating and relationships. All that is fair, but what I want to express here is that it's not even that that to me is like secondary, okay, because it comes down to what makes you feel safe in a connection. And if that is, hey, I need space, I need to pace this, I need distance, then somebody that wants to give you love in the way that they know how, which is to them closeness, making you a part of their lives, like wanting to intertwine. If you like someone and you want to bring them into your life, that is okay. That is positive, you're not too much. There's nothing negative around that or about that. It comes down to can they, can the person that you're talking to, can they receive the love that you want to give? And if they can't, no amount of you talking about it logically or expressing this or saying this or explaining that, none of that matters because they fundamentally cannot meet you there. So I've just I've been in I've been in this dynamic enough times to see it so freaking clearly and so quickly now, it's not even funny. I desire mutuality. That means you are meeting me where I am meeting you. Does that mean we have to go on this many dates or that many dates? Does that mean we need to text each other this fast or that fast or that slow or this slow? None of that. That's a game. None of that mattered because when we're meeting each other where we need to be met, all of that noise fades away. I want you to remember that clarity doesn't feel like pressure to someone who is open and available and invested in that connection just like you are. Or put another way, you expressing desire for another person is not too much. It's only too much, quote unquote, too much, when that other person can't actually receive it from you. So you're not too much, you don't need to slow down, you don't come on too strong. None of that is a thing. None of that, none of that is even a thought process in the other person's mind, if they can actually meet you where you need to be met to feel connected to another human being. It's just that they literally don't have the capacity to receive the love that you are wanting and willing and desire to give to another human being. That doesn't make them a bad person. It doesn't mean that you're perfect, it doesn't mean that they're broken, doesn't mean that you're good, they're bad. It's not any of that. It's just truly a capacity meter, is the way to think about it. If your capacity is at 100 and theirs is at 25, how on God's green earth are you ever going to be able to meet each other together to be able to find harmony or balance in that connection? You won't be able to. It's this is just this is why I'm so passionate about this kind of topic because I've seen it time and time and time and time and time again. Again, two people can both be good people. You can have all the right things on paper, but if you're incompatible at a nervous system level, then you wanting momentum and them needing space are two realities that will never build anything sustainable together. Hopefully that was helpful and insightful. I appreciate you being here. Thank you very much. Have a good rest of your day. Please leave a five star review. Wherever you get your podcast helps to expand the reach of this one. Take care. I'll talk to you soon.